Some conversations are meant to be private

"Hi," said the man as he walked up to me. I didn't think I knew him, but I said hello back.

"I just wanted to let you know how I'm doing," he said.

Well, that's considerate, I thought. The Philadelphia airport, where we were standing, is the epitome of discomfort and inconvenience, so the passengers often try to be friendly to each other. But he continued:

"I'm at the airport."

Well, duh. He was looking at me, he was inches away from me, but he wasn't talking to me. He was on his phone, distracting me and about 20 other passengers. He should have had a soapbox to stand on if he was going to perform a monologue.

4 reasons

This situation, I think, is less common, but worse when it happens, in America than in Europe. First, people simply are louder. Americans are used to more space: they stand further apart when talking, and adjust their speaking volume accordingly. Private homes are the norm; you rarely have to worry about disturbing the neighbors.

Second, people spend a lot of time in their cars and shout over the vehicle noise when talking to passengers. When driving alone, it's still legal in 43 of the 50 states to hold a phone up to one's face and drive with one hand.

Third, America has only recently, and slowly, switched over to digital cell-phone networks. Most people learned to talk louder to compensate for the inferior quality of analog service.

And fourth, text messaging usually costs extra in the US; you have to sign up for a plan — so many don't. Even if you're signed up, the person you're texting might not be. So to be safe, you have to call.

10 things to say

Phoning is permitted in public places for good reason, in case of delays, emergencies, or last-minute birthday wishes. The problem is all the unnecessary conversations that people feel entitled to make when forgetting how loud they're talking. Most of us choose to suffer silently, because we think the yakking might stop at any moment. Here are 10 things to say if it doesn't.

• "Thank you for sharing all those details. I had no idea your life was so interesting!"
• "You must have a really crappy phone if the person on the other end can't hear you."
• "I've been thinking about buying a phone like yours. Could you show me how you turn it on and off?"
• "If we have to listen to you, could you at least tell some funny stories?"
• "Say hi from me."
• "A text message would be a lot cheaper."
• "Are you sure this business deal is worth the brain cancer?"
• "Aren't you supposed to be on vacation?"
• "You're not impressing anyone with your iPhone."
• "Hey! I think I'll put that on YouTube."

A little sarcasm can go a long way, so do this at your own risk.

It's also worth remembering that cell-phone calls often aren't pleasant to the person receiving them either, if there is a lot of noise and commotion in the background. Communicating news or asking for information is fine, but if you have to actually discuss something — like the girl I heard breaking up with her boyfriend while waiting for the bus — you should really be at home or in the office or at least in private surroundings.

4 suggestions

So I propose the following:

• Have an option to record a voice message that is played to the recipient. Or have human operators, whom you could instruct: "Call my wife/roommate/mistress and tell her I'll be late."
• Have technology in airports and vehicles that automatically disconnects calls after five minutes.
• Encourage people to send and receive e-mail through their phones.
• Bring back phone booths. Everywhere.

Well, I've got to make a phone call now, so I'll talk to you later!