Let's talk about sex

If you're a German student going to the United States for a year, what are the two things you need to know about most? Sex and money.

A German student at an orientation I helped run said, "It seems like we talked a lot about sex and money." A girl who had just returned from the U.S. shot back: "Well, yeah. That's what's important!"

Each year, our orientation focuses on cultural differences, the American university system, and tips for getting the best exchange rate and for saving money. The most interesting part, however, comes near the end, when we ask the German students who have just returned, and the American students who are still here, to explain the rules of dating.

It seems no one can — at least not completely.

How young men and women interact in America is very different from the way they do in Europe. The countless Hollywood movies about awkward teenagers don't even begin to tell the whole story. Even at student age, men and women may have very different ideas about the goals of their relationship or whether it's even a relationship at all.

One of this year's American students named various stages of contact: "You're talking, you're going out, you're dating, you're seeing each other. At any stage, there may or may not be sex involved — and it may not be exclusive."

The idea of two people meeting, then making appointments to see each other, counting off those appointments and keeping score of what has or hasn't happened is a very American phenomenon. Even among Americans, everyone has a different pace and different expectations.

The common denominator is the date itself. The German students needed to know that a casual invitation to share a meal could be interpreted as an invitation to do much more. "How do I know if it's a date?" asked one of the German guys. "If you're going to something like dinner or a movie, and you're alone with that person, then it's a date," an American girl explained. "And if you do go out, the guy is expected to pay for the tickets and the meal."

Assuming that an actual relationship is in the works — the noncommittal opposite, called "hooking up", has become popular among students — the clock starts ticking. Unlike in Europe, where a couple can live together for several years and still not know if they're right for each other, Americans tend to give a structure and a timeline to their expectations. Milestones are passed at three months, six months and nine months. If the relationship is showing no progress, it's time to move on.

In rural areas and among young adults, the man may show a sign of progress by giving his girlfriend a "friendship ring" or "promise ring". The first opens the possibility of a later engagement; the second promises it. This can add even greater importance to the relationship if one of the partners is already wearing a "purity ring", which represents a wish for no sex until marriage.

As Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan showed in When Harry Met Sally, American couples often spend as much time trying to define their relationship as they do living it. Our German students offered their successors this advice: "Don't think too much about it. Just do it."

* How do we choose the partner who's right for us? Why do we stay together? What chemical signals in our bodies are responsible? Our June cover story uses the latest research from America to answer these and other questions. The magazine is on sale until Tuesday, June 23. If you miss it, you can always order it from abo@spotlight-verlag.de