Internetlessness

The only advantage of being rendered internetless by everyone's favourite telecommunications company — not for a few days, but for five weeks — was that I was forced to go to a burger joint to check my e-mail and order Christmas presents. It wasn't the going there nor the ambience that was the advantage, but the rather large hamburger with cheese and bacon that I allowed myself to scoff as I went about my business. Mmm!

Among the countless disadvantages, the one I enjoyed least was the taunting — the taunting by the telecommunications company responsible for my expanding waistline. Whenever I called the hotline, I was asked to state the reason for my call.

"Internet," I'd say.

"Noch einen Tipp! You can also check our website for details."

"No, I can't!" I would shout at the voice recognition software on the other end of the line.

After stating my telephone number, I was told that I would be connected with the next available customer-service representative. Music started to play, and I was asked to have "a moment's patience". I sat there, impatiently listening to the music — not for a moment; for ten minutes. If they'd only told me, I could have gone and done my washing and got myself a cup of tea.

"Aaaah, aaaah, ah, ah," wailed the music.

"Listen!" I said. "That's the sound of customers screaming."

Oblivious to my plight, my daughter gave me a blank look.

We now have it in writing that the internet will be back on Friday. With a bit of luck, I won't have to call the hotline again. I won't miss the taunting. I will miss the excuse to have a tasty burger every time I check my e-mail.