Ease up on the slap, Gordon!

Poor old Gordon Brown — not the most popular British prime minister in history. But now he has been robbed of his last shred of dignity: his make-up instructions have been leaked to The Sun! The Sun published the make-up routine under the headline "Slap on the face for PM". In Britain, "slap" is an informal word for make-up.

Not admired for his charisma or smouldering good looks, he's first criticized for not smiling enough and then laughed at for having a creepy smile in his recent YouTube video. The man can't win. You have to forgive him for thinking a little make-up might help.

Gordon Brown: a man cruelly described by comedian and fellow Scot Frankie Boyle as looking "like someone's taken a pen and drawn a sad face on a scrotum". Now we can all look like the PM, thanks to the junior aide who left the papers in a taxicab. Here's how:

1. Transparent brush. Foam all over.
2. Small pot under eyes, dimple, creases, blend in.
3. Clinique. Super balanced make-up. All over again, like painting a wall, and ears. Shut eyes, over lids, then with make-up pad smooth over liquid.
4. Powder (dark brush) terracotta Guerlain, all over.

Is it just me, or does that seem like a lot of make-up for a man not about to make an appearance in drag? If he's not careful, he'll be appearing on Snog Marry Avoid? — a fascinating and educational TV show on BBC3 in which orange Barbie wannabes in love with "fakery" (fake tans, fake boobs, fake eyelashes) are given a make-under, rather than a make-over, by a computer called POD (Personal Overhaul Device) — a computer that understands only natural beauty!