And the award goes to...

Well, that's the Oscars over for another year — the most prominent awards ceremony in the world and the highlight of the awards season. But don't say goodbye to your stylist and auction off your glad rags for charity just yet!

I'd like to announce the winners of my Awards For Best Awards Season Acceptance Speech — the DAFBASASs. To be eligible for this prestigious award, you're definitely not allowed to throw your award at the audience while muttering obscenities, as Liam Gallagher did when he accepted a Brit Award for the best British album of the past 30 years. You are not allowed to cry, you must not thank God, and you are definitely not allowed to pretend you have not prepared a speech.

Even I prepare a speech — every year — and I've never even been nominated. I'm not even in the entertainment business. I probably am a little bit sad, though.

You should, however, be eloquent, charming and funny, and maybe a bit surprising. And you shouldn't take yourself too seriously. At least act like you don't. You're an actor, for God's sake!

So, without further ado, the Award for Best Acceptance Speech by a female goes to Betty White, accepting a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Screen Actors' Guild Awards:

And the Award for Best Acceptance Speech made by a male goes to Colin Firth, who won Best Actor for his role in A Single Man at the BAFTAs:

Congratulations! Thank you all for coming. Don't forget to take those rented baubles back! Good night.